My pal, Ryan Braun. We both know what it's like to be falsely accused.
As you have no doubt heard by now, on Monday, July 22, 2013, I was suspended by the American Poaching Association of America for the use of erection enhancing drugs.
This was, of course, a sad day for me.
You'll remember that at the end of the 2011 poaching season, I won the Eastern Conference Most Valuable Poacher Award. It was, indeed, a great honor--especially after such a long, hard, draining season.
Then the APAA suspended me, alleging that I had elevated levels of testosterone in my body--as well as Cialis, Viagra, Spanish Fly, 44 Twinkies and two quarts of anti-freeze.
Of course, you know what happened, right? My attorney and I won my appeal because the collector of my, uh, sample, didn't go straight to the laboratory and stopped at a Pilot Flying J for a cup of coffee. This obviously broke the chain of custody agreement, tainted my sample, and totally proved me innocent and a martyr. I truly had no idea where that sample was during those five minutes.
I was a victim of the process. I'm 100 percent certain that no boner pills entered my body with my knowledge. That collector probably bought some chemicals at that Flying Pilot J and injected them into my sample. My sample was tampered with. There. I said it (to every microphone I could find).
I remember my pal, Green Bay Quarterback Aaron Rogers defending me vigorously on Twitter, too. It was awesome. He called everybody that said that I got off on a technicality "idiots". Man, I sure did appreciate Aaron having my back!
Aaron believed me. He knew that I was innocent. He said on Twitt(er), and I quote, "I'd put my salary on it. #EXONERATED".
I know he's feeling REALLY smart about THAT right now!
I wasn't arrogant or bitter after my victory, however. At my press conference, I remember saying, "Suck my dick. Fuck the AAPA motherfuckers. I'm innocent, that asshole collector is a scum-sucking douche bag who should fall into a wood chipper and molests small animals, and the whole world can kiss my ass. Fuck this shit. This goes against all of my values that I've valued my entire life.
If all you asshole sportswriters don't apologize, I'm gonna plow your wives if they're hot. And if you're a chick, shoot me an email to reserve a ride on the Ryan Railway. You're fucking welcome."
Yeah, I know. Totally conciliatory! I was proud of how mature I behaved. Very humble.
I then signed a twenty-two year, zillion dollar extension with the APAA. That was pretty cool.
Then, tragically and horribly and unfairly, a few months ago, my pristine name was linked to that lab in Florida, Bonergenesis. Now, OBVIOUSLY, this proved nothing! I had merely hired Bonergenesis as a consultant (yeah, that's it) for my appeal on the erection enhancing drugs charges, that's all. Those 78 shipments to my house...were...uh....."reports".
Needless to say, however, the APAA didn't view it that way, and I'm sorry to announce that I am being forced into cutting a deal. I think it's pretty severe, as well. I won't be allowed to poach any new
Now, of course, some of you might say that me making a deal suggests that there's this giant, motherfucking mountain of evidence against me. Well, to that I say: just not true. The suits at the APAA Headquarters in NYC have a vendetta against me for ruining that collector's reputation and beating their sorry asses on my appeal. So fuck that shit, right?
Anyway, even though I didn't really do anything wrong, I guess I have to apologize. So here goes:
I'm truly sorry if I offended anybody and shit. We all make mistakes and I'm no different. I look forward to putting this behind me so I don't have to deal with it anymore. I'm not a cheater and somebody must have slipped all those hard-on pills into my coffee (probably Lori). I would never knowingly put a PED into my body (I wouldn't put it past Shelly, either).
I know that I'll hear some horrible things, as well. Every hurtful thing that can be thought of is cumming my way. But I'm innocent. I didn't do shit. And so when the haters hurl all their hurtful-hurtful things at me, deep down, I'll be at peace. Because when you're truly innocent, it doesn't matter what the world thinks (except for the assholes who just cancelled my condom endorsement deal).
I WILL stand tall and never cower behind conspiracy theories and excuses!
Listen, I understand the questions. I'm older now. I've hit the big 5-0. Of course people are going to point and say, "No way can that dude keep up keeping it up". But my erections are EARNED, they are natural, and NOT dependent upon some magic pill that takes four gulps (sometimes five, depending on how thirsty I am) of water.
I've always
Boner-cheating is a pox upon the sport of poaching!
If I have to cheat to win, then, my wonderful, supportive friends, I don't want to even be in the game. No....not at the cost of my reputation. Not at the cost of my ethics and values. Not at the cost of all that I've achieved. No. It's not worth it. It just isn't. This statement proves my innocence.
As for my MVP award....I know that some will say that I should return it. I won't. That's because I haven't been told by the APAA to return it. So that's their fault. So for now, it'll stay sticking out on our mantle (although I'll have to turn it sideways; Alex almost poked her eye out the other day).
Again, I'm sorry and feel horrible because absolutely none of this is my fault. Obviously. Duh. Dur.
I want to thank the American Poachers Union for the following statement: "We commend Ryan Callahan for stepping forward and admitting...." Don't worry about the rest of that statement. Doesn't matter.
I also want to thank all of those who have reached out to me during this trying time: Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Ryan Braun, that dude who got busted for that Ponzi thing, Barry Bonds, Lance Armstrong, Floyd Landis, Manny Ramierez, Rafael Palmeiro, Roger Clemons, Vijay Singh, every Argentinian male tennis pro that has cracked the top ten world rankings the past decade, the 1968 East German Woman's Weightlifting Team, Alex Rodriguez, Aaron Hernandez, and many, many others. Your compassion directed towards me and the situation that I had no part of putting myself into is, well, heartwarming, to say the least.
I look forward to getting back to the sport I dearly love after serving my totally undeserved suspension. It's difficult to deal with my reputation and legacy being dragged through the mud, especially when I didn't do a fucking thing to deserve it, even though I'm human and we all make mistakes and nobody is perfect.
By supporting me, you are supporting the truth. You are supporting freedom. And you're not one of those assholes who don't believe me. Fuck them.
But it does make me feel better that so many have supported me in this, my darkest hour.
Thank you, Poacher Nation, for believing in me, and believing that I did all my poaching the right way--the ONLY way!
And to all of you married women, I'll see you in August!
Your Friend,
Ryan
#Suckers
#Bonerisafunnyword
#Imavictim
#IbetterthankAlexforhersupportorImtoast
#Ihatehashtags
