HERE'S the reason this blog has been so inactive! Caroline Woznigacki!
Here's another one! Just to make sure you recognize her if you see her!
"Midnightttttttt at the Oasissssssss....."
Remember this entry from a couple of years ago?
Not long after that post, something wonderful happened! Rory Mcilroy and Caroline Wozniwackass broke up!
Yes, I know that you all know that by now. But....here's the story behind the story!
It could have destroyed the world. If these two had gone through with their marriage of darkness, who knows what would have befallen all of us?
You can thank yours truly for saving the world.
You remember when I fucked Lucky the Lucky Charms Leprechaun's wife after I beat the shit out of Rory at the Foul-Mouthed Fuck Pub in Dublin?
Well, my homey, Lucky, kept his magical ear to the ground! Apparently, Caroline never got over how I made Rory drag himself out of the pub, face-first. She never forgave him for not properly defending her honor after I humiliated her sorry, tree-humping ass all over Twit(ter)!
They tried to work it out. But apparently Rory developed a chronic case of soft dick because of her screeching, nasally, horrid voice.
One morning, I received a call. I couldn't believe the voice at the other end. The words are tattooed on my brain like stupidity is tattooed onto Caroline's tiny brain.
I answered my cell.
"Ello? Ryan? This is Rory Mcilroy. I wanted to thank you for beating the shit out me in Dublin. I never should have mocked Tom Jones. I never should have pushed for shower governors in Ireland. That stupid 'ho made me! I was under her spell and had lost me free will."
"Cool, dude. Whatever. Bev's over and she wants to fuck. And to be honest, I want to fuck her, so hey, you're welcome."
"No, man. Ryan, your Palm Pilot is legendary and Bev will wait!"
"Well, yeah....."
"Anyways, Ryan, after I broke it off with that biatch, me little putter started working again! I nailed four women the next day!"
Alex took Bev up to the bedroom to talk to her or something, I don't really know. All that moaning I heard from them made it hard to listen to Rory, though.
Rory went on to explain something that shocked me and will shock YOU!
"Mate, after several months of penis-shriveling nagging, I went to a friend of mine who is an expert in the occult. This friend listened to my sad tale of woe, although I suppose that's a bit of a redundancy, and told me the terrifying truth: Caroline was a succubus! It turns out that she WANTED you to pick a fight with her! She wanted you to stop poaching women!"
Rory continued his horrifying story.
"We were both under her spell, mate! I LOVE Tom Jones! I fucking love the guy! I have all his cds! And 'Midnight At The Oasis' is her succubus song! I tried to sing it backwards like they did on 'SouthPark', but by then she had gained too much strength!"
"Dude, the ONLY way you can get a succubus to respect your authoritah is to sing her song backwards! But you have to do it before it's too late!
"So what did you do, bro?"
"Well, bro, I contacted Lucky, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun and his hot leprechaun wife, Ciara! They conjured up a magic spell! Not only did this spell turn Caroline into a human, but it also took away what little tennis talent she has!"
"Rory, you're my fucking hero!"
"Ryan, those thirty seven concussions you gave me that night are what did it! I started wondering why I was singing that shitty song, hating on Tom Jones, and hating on you! I go to your blog all the time! THAT'S when I realized that something weird was going on. Sure, it took about a year to get over my concussions, but once I did, and the fog lifted, that is when I went to my friend!"
"And to rub salt in that tramp's wounds, I beat her to the punch! She was going to call a press conference and say that SHE was breaking up with me due to me little putter's problems! I got to the press first and now she looks like a pathetic little loser who wears too much makeup!"
Now, as you well know, freed of the evil one's grip, not only was Rory's little putter working again, but so was his big putter. No longer shackled to that shower-hating succubus, Rory went out and won the British Open! Then he won the final major of the year, the PGA Championship!
I'm so happy for my great friend Rory! He's back to doing what he does best: banging hot golf groupies and ruling the golf world!
This was taken while my close personal friend, Rory, was still under Caroline's spell. Look at Caroline's evil smile and then look at Rory's blank stare. That's what a succubus will do to you!
There's one other thing--remember my suspension from the American Poaching Association of America?
Yeah, well, it turns out that Caroline slipped me all those boner pills! She would literally (as opposed to figuratively) fly into Alpharetta, GA every day, sneak into our house, and slip Viagra into my Coke bottles!
I TOLD you all that I was innocent! Fuck you, Caroline the Succubus! Fuck you!
I do have to admit, though, that I should have questioned why there were so many empty boxes of Viagra lying around.
But WAIT! There's more!
Several months ago, Caroline--her personal life in tatters and her career stagnating--tried to exact her succubus-type revenge on me. She attempted to seduce me!
One day, I opened my e-mail and found these pictures!
"Ryan....wanna play with these?"
"Thinking of you!"
"Still thinking of you!"
"Want to bounce YOUR balls off my ass?"
"How about an old-fashioned?"
Needless to say, I deleted the email and then took a cold shower. Then I fucked Alex 27 times, because for some reason, Mr. Happy needed some relief.
Normally, I could look past our differences and fuck her a million times. But even though she's now human, I can't take that chance. She still might have some residual succubus powers left.
Anyway, this blog has been pretty inactive the last couple of years. And now you know why. Caroline was not only fucking up Rory's life and career, she was fucking mine up as well! How could I post new entries with all this shit going on?
Exactly!
You're welcome. I was happy to do it. After all, I'm here to serve humanity.
I want to thank YOU, Poacher Nation! You stood beside my these past few trying years. You believed in me! You knew I was trying to do the right thing--nail married chicks--while dealing with adversity. You inspired me.
Oh, yeah. And I shall be unleashing a new poaching entry onto the world in the next few days.
Fuck you, Caroline! Suck it, succubus!
